Food and Friend

I've been eating well for the past couple of days.  I had the repeated epiphany ring through again that if I don't eat things that can make me gain weight, then I won't gain weight.  If I eat only healthy foods, then I will likely lose weight.  And, over the past two days, I have done just that - ten pounds.  I am sure a lot of that was water weight, but nonetheless, it was pounds that had to go.  I have been eating apples, 1 banana, mandarin oranges, chicken, spinach, and raw nuts. I have been dI did have a small brownie piece last night because my daughter made them and was super happy with how they turned out (they are delicious!) and a forkful of chicken alfredo penne, just to taste it.  Overall, however, I have been eating well.  Hopefully, I can stay on track.

Last night, I had to tell a friend of mine to stop messaging me.  It was a really difficult thing to do.  I struggle with setting boundaries, especially with someone I know who is needy. Melody Beattie says that a person cannot simultaneously set a boundary and take care of another person's feelings.  My friend has continued to message me.  She said she didn't sleep at all last night and had to take today off - all because of what I said. It's difficult not to own that.  Thankfully, I have an appointment with my counsellor this afternoon where I can have the opportunity to talk about this should I so choose.

Intertwined

I am at the office doing some paperwork.  A couple of female coworkers are standing at my desk and we are chatting for a few minutes.  When they walked away, I felt a sudden wave of sadness.  

Instantly, my tummy grumbled.  

That's how closely related my emotions and stomach are to each other. My stomach feeds off my emotions. 

Somehow, I need to separate the two.

Flush the Pills

Flush the pills
Face the fear

That is a line from one of the powerful songs on my radar right now.  "Burn the Ships" by For King and Country.  The song is about leaving the past and moving forward.  That's exactly what I need to do.  I don't have to allow my addiction to define my life any longer. 

I came across this quote this morning:

Learning to live again without your active addiction is liberating and freeing, but it can feel like being re-hatched.

I am being re-hatched.

Starting today.

Fast. Pray. Feel.

This is the start of something new. I have struggled with emotions for a long time.  I stuff them with food and for the most part don't even acknowledge what I am feeling.  

Today I begin fasting.  I don't know exactly what that is going to look like, but for the first couple of days at least it will mean no food at all.  I will drink black tea/coffee but that's it.  I do know that later today I have to try a piece of red pepper... and I can't get out of that. 

The purpose of this blog is to record food, write out prayers, and discuss my feelings.  I may do several short posts a day, to acknowledge my emotions and talk to God about them. It would be in my best interest to do it that way.  

I am hoping to stick with this because the benefit will be incredible. 

On the weight side of things, I am up twenty pounds since the middle of November.  Two months, twenty pounds.  It is so easy to be condemning of myself.  But, I know exactly what got me to this place - once choice at a time.  One mouthful at a time.  One binge at a time.  This fast will kick start me to get back on track and lose some of the weight I packed on.  

I really don't feel good about myself right now.  I am disappointed because I worked so hard to get to where I was, then I go and ruin it by eating junk food, things that are not good for me, and too much food. I am not too far gone that I cannot be redeemed, but I cannot redeem myself. I need the power of God, the constant empowerment of the Holy Spirit, and the amazing grace of Christ.  Together, I can break this food addiction.